Nicole Scherzinger was suffering in silence during her seven years as the Pussycat Dolls' lead singer.
In
her VH1 "Behind the Music" special (airing Oct. 7), the 34-year-old
singer opens up for the first time about her struggle with bulimia.
"It's
embarrassing. I never spoke about it. Like I said, I never want to play
a victim, and I never wanted my family to hear about things from me
because I think it would break their heart, you know," Scherzinger says.
"I guess it was like my addiction, right? I never did drugs, but kinda
doing things to myself was my addiction. It's like when I got off stage,
I was on this high, and I'd come back to my room and I'd be alone, so I
would just do things. My bulimia was my addiction; hurting myself was
my addiction."
Scherzinger -- who
released her debut solo album, "Killer Love," in 2011 -- says she "did
it everyday for, like, years. Every time I had a second to be alone, I
was doing something to myself. You get, like, blisters on your hands or
scars on your hands, and I'd try to hide those. I think the girls could
tell."
The
Hawaiian-born, Kentucky-raised musician joined the Pussycat Dolls in
2003 following the success of the burlesque troupe of the same name.
During
her revealing chat, Scherzinger also estimates she "probably did 95
percent" of the singing "on my own" for the girl group's 2005 debut
album, "PCD." "I hope I don't get in trouble for the stuff that I say,"
Scherzinger says, "but I'll never forget I finished the album, PCD, and
[executive producer Ron Fair] and I brought the girls into the studio
and we played it for them. It was the first time they'd ever heard the
music."
Despite
the hardships she sometimes faced, Scherzinger -- who first found fame
as a member of the made-for-TV band Eden's Crush -- says ex-bandmates
Melody Thornton, 28, Ashley Roberts, 31, Kimberly Wyatt, 30, Jessica
Sutta, 30, and Carmit Bachar, 38, are "like my sisters."
Scherzinger's Behind the Music airs Sunday, Oct. 7, at 9 p.m. EST on VH1.
